I, like many people, found one of my most precious and valuable friendships in my early 20s, while in college.
When I met Deborah in class five years ago, we instantly bonded over books, movies, and shared experiences, then eventually became housemates. She starred in my first short film, talked me through a major breakup, introduced me to my current favorite TV series Call The Midwife, and has, by any definition, grown to be one of my best friends. We are alike in many ways: we both studied English, have been caregivers, and find pleasure in deep personal connections. When people see us together, however, the term “best friends” might raise a few eyebrows.
Breaking Convention
Deborah wasn’t just a classmate–she was the instructor. She is also over 25 years my senior. Our friendship defies conventional boundaries, which can prompt questions and curious glances. However, our connection was undeniable, and it went far beyond the student-teacher dynamic.
“I was drawn to you when you were my student because of your interest in so many things!” Deborah explained. “I appreciated the way you understood the challenges of caregiving and saw me as something other than a teacher. I enjoy being the person who is older than you but not a parental figure.”
Defying Stereotypes
Before I met Deborah, I didn’t feel like being friends with someone of a different generation was even “allowed.” It’s easy to encounter a compatible person with a significant age gap and not pursue friendship, because of culture and tradition. But with Deborah, friendship came easily, and our intergenerational connection enhances it. I love that she treats me as an equal, taking my ideas and experiences with enthusiasm and encouragement.
We learn from each other constantly, and I am comforted knowing I have someone, especially another woman, who has been through the stages of life I am experiencing and has come out thriving on the other side.
“I learn from your perspective as a 20-something—what you’re reading, watching, thinking about—and I think you enjoy hearing my ideas, thoughts, and recommendations as well,” Deborah said. “We can help each other learn practical information about those issues we’re experts on, whether it’s something minor (use a big pot to heat soup!) or health issues (listen to your body!). We can offer the perspective of experience and the wisdom learned from aging—and from youth!”
Through Deborah’s wide network, I became friends with more women across generations. As a woman of any age, it’s impossible to avoid negative messaging around growing older.
Advertisements and endorsements for anti-aging products are pervasive–we are constantly reminded that we need to be ageless or age defying. But through these intergenerational friendships, I can see nuanced, realistic examples of different stages of life. I feel less afraid of what’s to come, and more excited about the freedom, self-assurance, and experiences from new phases of life.
“I love having friends across the lifespan. At the moment, I don’t have any close friends under 20, but I have had children and teenagers I considered friends. Some of them have grown up, some of them have moved on. If I feel drawn to someone I meet, I try to cultivate that connection. I am thrilled that I have friends across several decades!” Deborah said.
Sharing What’s Important
For Deborah, life revolves around a strict schedule: one of a full-time caregiver. As a stroke survivor, her husband Jerry needs round the clock care, which is often hard to balance. Our bond grew significantly when I moved in with her during my last semester of school and became one of Jerry’s caregivers. Having worked as a nursing aide, I could share tips and tricks of the trade, and understood the relentless challenges that come with caring for a loved one.
“Caregiving is an occasion for intimacy of all kinds, whether caring for babies or elders,” Deborah said.
Seeing her personal, artisanal approach to caregiving inspired me. As we prepared meals, brushed teeth, and changed briefs, conversations flowed deeply and easily about “the important stuff”: family issues, illness, love, and death. It was valuable time together, helping us both learn and grow.
“Friendship means being able to reciprocally share a range of experiences, insights, and feelings,” Deborah explained. “Lots of deep conversations. We commiserate, laugh, and cry, but mostly offer insight, validation, and support for one another.”
For me, our connection is a reminder that friendship can transcend age and generations, leaving us with bonds that grow stronger with each passing year.
Friendship means being able to reciprocally share a range of experiences, insights, and feelings. Lots of deep conversations. We commiserate, laugh, and cry, but mostly offer insight, validation, and support for one another.”
